commitment is a funny thing.

Although I have been thinking long and hard about this topic (and sometimes kind of short and softly…?), it wasn't until I read a quote by this agnostic guy, that I decide to sit and put my thoughts to keyboard. Just so you know the guy said, “We have commitment issues, that's why we choose to believe and not to believe at the same time. We're just big fence-sitters, really.”  I briefly chuckled at the quote, but I then dove into the intricacies of commitment and my personal views and fears of it.

Commitment - A pledge or promise. (dictionary.com)

I think this is one of my biggest fears. You see, my life groans for change. I fear stagnation. I fear commitment, because commitment is big, and can choke the desires for adventure and change. It can close doors. And can set up road blocks and force detours. Commitment scares me, because as I have said, my life greatly desires change.

All too often I run. I flee from the responsibilities of commitment so as not to even begin down the road. But other times I feel ready, confident, and secure to make a leap, but soon am scared to death and flee yet again. I am at a point now where I do not know the future. I do not know what will come, or what decisions I will be faced with. What I do know is that there is one commitment that is solid and I will honor. Me and Jesus will be rollin together, come hell or high water. The future brings many uncertainties and scary possibilities. Sometimes I am overcome with excitement and readiness, and other times I am filled with fear. And just to be honest, commitment for me (in my perspective) closes a lot of doors. Maybe I'm wrong. And maybe it is a good thing that some doors are closed, I don’t know. It just scares me.

I just wanted to share some fears and uncertainties with you. I guess to prove my humanity. 

"In life I know there's lots of grief, but your love is my relief"

"I don't wanna wait in vain for your love." -Bob Marley

This is speaking of a girl. A girl who Bob says he doesn't want to live without. This song is great I think, and although Bob is referring to a girl, I sing this song to Jesus. I'm not waiting for a girl. I am waiting on my friend and king Jesus to return. See, in life there truly are lot's of griefs, but His love is my relief. This song for me addresses His greatness, yet at the same time my lowliness because I still have doubts.


Hope you enjoy la musica! Bob Marley is grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreat!!!

the fam

The holidays bring about a lot of commotion. A lot of visiting, a lot of hugs, and a lot of conversing about how the last year has been. In my situation, which I admit is somewhat unique, my experience around the holidays seems to be less abundant than that of most others. The reasons for this are many. To put it simply, my family is not family. I do not have blood parents to go home to, I go home to my friends parents' home. And his family is my family. Though we are not blood, we have become blood. But my family is even more than just these who have 'adopted' me. My family is greater.

I believe there is a misunderstanding about family. What it is, what it isn't, who it is, and isn't. Maybe there isn't a misunderstanding, maybe I am the only one who has misunderstood it's meaning all these years, nevertheless I desire to discuss it.

Growing up, the phrase blood is thicker than water repeats itself in the memory of my ears like a resounding record. It seems to be one of the foundational principles that feeds the american world view which implies that me and my family are most important while others and God take second and third place. Now is this the right
view to hold? I would disagree, though I do believe family is important, I do not, nor will I ever, believe that anyone shall come before God. Because, if we agree that there is a God, no matter what his characteristics are, He is God, thus higher and greater than I, therefore worthy of praise. That being said I do believe God has perfect character, and that He loves you and I more than we can know living our lives; which makes him even more worthy of being first. Though I digress, family is incredibly important.

BUT, I am not convinced that the common view and definition of family is the same as the definition and meaning that I tack on to the word. You see for me, family is much more than simply blood relation. In some cases the blood that is supposed to hold us so close, does not. In fact, our common blood sometimes repels us from each other. I do think that blood is the glue that holds us together, but not in the physical. It is not physical blood, not the genealogical blood line that makes us family. It is the spiritual blood, the blood that comes from sacrifice that comes from love, true love. Don't you see that family is so much greater than simply the people who share a common ancestry. I have friends that are much more than just friends, they are
family. And I have 'family' that are so far removed from me, that I can hardly call them friends.

Who is my family?
The people who I share life with. Those I live with, those I argue with, those I cook next to, those I study with, those who invest in me, and those I invest in, those who take care of me, and those I try to take care of; men and women with different faces, different skin tones, different hair, and different blood relations yet we share life together because of love. And after all, love results from sacrifice, and sacrifice results blood. The true, sacrificial, loving blood that holds together our family.

"Greater love has no one than this, that He lay down his life for his friends." John 15:13

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. And let us fix our eyes on Jesus the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

"maybe she'll realize beyond the green, love's the only thing you need"

I just read a song written by Jack. A friend showed me him. He sounds like a really cool guy, great mind, incredible heart. At least thats what I have seen from simply reading some of his words. The problem (at least for some) is that Jack will make you think. I however embrace the act of thinking. I need to think. I will not flee from understanding. Sometimes you just have to write down your thoughts, in hopes of organization and further comprehension.
All you need is love. The words ring inside of our drums through our minds and into our innermost. love. love is the answer. love is the key. love is what will get you through. love is what you need. but what is love? yet another lyric that somehow subconsciously affixes to our cerebellum. But really, what is it? Love is not simply being nice or going above and beyond or even taking care of those that can't or won't. Agreed these are all good things, great things, all parts of love even. But love is so much more, I can't even attempt to describe what love is, if I could describe it, what I describe wouldn't be love in its fullness. And to think that I can love, truly love, is to degrade what love is. Since I am far from perfect, as are you, our love pales in comparison to what love really is. So to say all you need is love. Though a statement that is valid and I completely agree with, I cannot agree in sense that, the love that I, myself, can have (since it is incomplete) is not all I need. Why? It's not enough. It's not even full love, why would anyone want an incomplete package?
But say it is enough. Say we live out this thought. We have and give love for love's own sake. Is that enough? Is that love even? I am reminded of a 19 yr old homeless boy who held up a sign that simply read 'love'. I call him boy only because I am older, and was older when I met him. I sat down next to him, leaving the 'accepted' group that walked along downtown Portland and entered the 'unacceptable' group that is the outcast because of the lack of shelter. We had a good conversation about love. His view was the same as that of Jack. love is reason enough. Which I extremely respect, and to a certain point agree with. The problem is like I previously stated, is that love that you claim, and that we give real love? Is it true? Can it even be full love?

Here is my real thought.
Love isn't love, unless it's love to the end.
Another catchy lyric, yet deeper this time. This line is not an original of mine, I borrow it from the band 'As Cities Burn'. They are/were a legit band, though they are now broken up, I would encourage you to check em out!
The thought, Love isn't love, unless it's love to the end, coupled with the fact that greater love has no one than this, that HE lay down his life for his friends, leads me to believe that true love, full love, complete love is this. Jesus dying for us.
The only reason I can hope to love, truly love, is through the one who loved completely, the one who loved to the end.

It's yours

Who am I to tell you what to believe, how to live, how to think, who to like, who to be, when to start, when to stop. Who am I to say anything about who, what, when, how, and why? All I can say is that this is why I think who, what, when, where, how, and why. I can freely share my beliefs on them, but who am I to tell or to force you to believe the same. 

I believe Jesus lived. I believe Jesus died. I believe Jesus is the way. I believe Jesus is the truth. And I believe Jesus is the life. And I believe that belief in Jesus results forgiveness. And forgiveness results an unfathomable relationship with the creator.

You believe what you will. You have the freedom and the choice. I encourage you to investigate, was Jesus who he said he was, and did he accomplish what he said he would accomplish? And I would absolutely love for you to believe Jesus! He has changed my life, and I wouldn’t trade him for anything. But the choice is one that you have to make. It is completely yours. 

pride

It is so easy to become prideful I think. Each day, I live, I make my own choices, it is easy to fall into the mindset that I have so much control and power and I am so great. but that isn't how it is really; I am nothing, I am a self-seeking man, I am incredibly broken, I am dead, without the grace of Jesus! Here is a prayer I read this morning from a puritan way back in the day, and it is a great reminder to me of my place, and the amazing grace and mercy of Him.

O Lord God, Who inhabitest eternity,

The heavens declare thy glory,

The earth thy riches, 

The universe is thy temple;

Thy presence fills immensity, 

Yet thou hast of thy pleasure created life, and communicated happiness;

Thou hast made me what I am, and given me what I have;

In thee I live and move and have my being;

Thy providence has set the bounds of my habitation, and wisely administers all my affairs.

I thank thee for thy riches to me in Jesus, for the unclouded revelation of him in thy Word, where I behold his Person, character, grace, glory, humiliation, sufferings, death, and resurrection;

Give me to feel the need of his continual saviourhood, and cry with Job, "I am vile," with Peter, "I perish," with the publican, "Be merciful to me, a sinner."

Subdue in me the love of sin,

Let me know the need of renovation as well as of forgiveness, in order to serve and enjoy thee for ever.

I come to thee in the all-prevailing name of Jesus, with nothing of my own to plead, no works, no worthiness, no promises.

I am often straying, often knowingly opposing thy authority, often abusing thy goodness;

Much of my guilt arises from my religious privileges, my low estimation of them, my failure to use them to my advantage, 

But I am not careless of thy favour or regardless of thy glory;

Impress me deeply with a sense of thine omnipresence, that thou art about my path, my ways, my lying down, my end.

To Jesus be all glory, and honor, and praise, forever and ever. Amen.