performing?

Is this a performance? Am I simply blogging to get your attention, and the attention of the world? First let us discuss attention. I feel like everyone desires attention. "The human soul wants simply to be seen and heard" says Parker Palmer in his The Courage to Teach.  So we all want to be seen, we all want attention; some more than others. I think some receive it with a little work, some receive it freely, and some simply demand it. The question is, am I demanding attention by writing a blog? I know that every word I write will be read by someone, whether friend or stranger. So with that, it seems this blog would be at the very least a reaching out for ears to hear (or eyes to read rather). Not necesarily a demanding, but definitely working and writing, with the understanding that the focus, at some point or another, will be turned directly to me.

But that isn't what I want. At least not at the deeper level. Yes I agree that at the surface level, I am like everyone else in that I desire attention and praise. It is natural for me to want it, doesn't mean its right or healthy, but it is natural. However, deeper than that, in my innermost, my core, I don't want the focus to be on me, on my skills, on my thoughts, on my 'realness' or lack there of. I want the focus to solely be on the one who deserves it. The one who is the best, who has the strongest skills, the deepest thoughts, the most real person there is (and ever was, and ever will be). The one who said things like, "whoever wants to be great among you, must first become your servant", "greater love has no one than this that he lay down his life for his friends", and "whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it". This man Jesus is the one. The author and perfecter of my faith, who joyfully took on my shortcomings, and my blatant rebellions, and endured the cross, scorning its shame. The one who is sitting at the right hand of the throne of God. The one who deserves the focus, that is who I want you to focus on.

But how can that be if I, being a broken selfish prideful man, write. No matter how real I am about my life. No matter how much I share about what Jesus has done in his lifetime and mine. No matter how much I talk about my crazy relationship with the creator who calls me his friend. At the end of the day, I probably will still, not only, receive attention, but will go a step further and happily accept the attention. As I am a desperately broken individual, who is in a constant battle between spirit and flesh, between me and my body. The only thing going for me, is that Jesus loved me to the point of death, and still loves me, and he is coming back to rescue me from this struggle. That's all I got.
Am I performing? I'm not sure. Will I continue to blog? Only time will tell.

love God. love others.
nate